I’ll be alright, just not tonight

molly-belle-73279
Photo by Molly Belle on Unsplash

Do you live in your head?
I do
Lately I’ve found myself stuck inside my head and I don’t know how to get out.
There are 2 major problems with living inside my head:

  1. It’s exhausting surviving the day
    I can’t concentrate. My attention span is almost non-existent. Trying to stay on task is near impossible. It takes so much longer to accomplish everything. I zone out. I get lost scrolling through social media not ever really looking at anything. I distract myself reading news or playing games on my phone. I fight to stay on task.My work suffers – I don’t have confidence in the projects I complete. I don’t take initiative. I avoid extra work.My household suffers – Stuff piles up on every available surface. Tumbleweeds of dog hair roll by. Laundry sits in baskets waiting to be put in the machine and then sits and waits to be folded and put away. There are some weeds that might be as tall as me in one of the gardens.

    I suffer – Everywhere I look there is something that needs tending to. It’s too stressful. There’s too much to be done. It’s too overwhelming to start so I don’t. And if I do start I’m quickly distracted by something else. And then more stress. And then I get nauseous. And then I get a headache. And all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep until I know everything will be better.

  1. I over-analyze EVERYTHING and create problems that may not exist
    The bulk of my day is spent going over past conversations – Did I come across as confrontational in that email? Did I say something I shouldn’t have? Why did I say that? Why did I say that like that? What if they misunderstood? Why do I talk too much? Why didn’t I say anything in that meeting? Yes, that person is most definitely mad at me because of what I said/how I reacted. Yes, that person is totally thinking about this as much as me. I should apologize or address it in some way. I apologized and they haven’t responded. They weren’t thinking about it and now I made them think about it and NOW they’re mad at me for bringing it up.
    Are you lost yet?

I’ve always been like this, but it didn’t impact my life the way it does now until I lost Melissa. I used to be able to recognize it quickly and correct myself, talk some sense into myself. Not now. I’m usually weeks into living this way before I realize it. I don’t even know how long it’s been this time, but I know it’s longer than I’m willing to admit. I had a moment last week when I realized I’ve been stuck in my head so long that I don’t remember what it’s like to live otherwise. I want to get out, but lately it seems like there’s trigger after trigger and when I’m triggered I shut down. I’ve got a long way to go to figure out how to deal with the different triggers I encounter. It’s the ones that catch me off guard that do the most damage.
I’ve made a promise to myself to get better, to be better. I’m going to experiment with some methods to deal with triggers and stress and hopefully start living outside my head more often.
I’d love to hear what other people do to deal with stress and how you live in the now and not in your head.

*And I’m not the girl that I intend to be
I dare you, darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me
And I say

Oh, how am I gonna get over you?
I’ll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, hey oh, I wish you’d want me to stay
I’ll be alright, just not tonight
Someday

Say it’s comin’ soon,
Someday without you
All I can do, is get me past the ghost of you
Wave goodbye to me
I won’t say I’m sorry
I’ll be alright, once I find the other side of
Someday

*Gonna Get Over You by Sara Bareilles
Check it out on YouTube!

One thought on “I’ll be alright, just not tonight

  1. lindsturner September 27, 2017 / 12:50 am

    Thank you for sharing this Mary. I think sharing this is a big step, and opens the door to important conversations. PS I love a Sara B reference 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s