Four should be so much more.

Four shouldn’t be another year of wondering and what ifs.

Four shouldn’t be a reminder of the moments we are missing out on.

There will be no last day of daycare picture.

No first day of kindergarten picture.

No backpack full of supplies waiting at the door.

There won’t be a graduating class shirt hanging in your closet waiting for your handprint.

I won’t have to decide what package of first school pictures to buy.

No first report card to pour over.

I won’t be complaining about the lunches I’d have to make every day.

No sports or activities to plan our lives around.

There will be no celebrating you learning to write your name.

No celebrating the first book you could read on your own.

No hurrah for passing JK.

No summer camps to book.

No school friend birthday party to plan.

Four is cruel.

I did it! I hit a milestone!
It felt so good to hear. It felt so good to be around a group of supportive people who cheered me on. I felt proud of myself, momentarily. It didn’t take long before I had to fend off the negative comments. I should be my biggest cheerleader, but I’m much better at tearing myself down than building myself up.

Not long after hitting this milestone I was out hiking with my family. The Boss took some photos along the way. She took the one included in this post. She loves taking pictures of the beautiful flowers. I love watching her take in the beauty in the world that surrounds her.

As we were getting ready to hike back we were chatting about the steps it would take to get back to the truck. She made a song out of it and sang it most of the way back.

“Every single step you take gets you closer to what you want
So if you want something just take a step and you’re on your way”

Wow. I had to stop for a second and listen to what she was singing. She had no idea how much I needed to hear those words. Maybe she did, she seems to have a knack for this sort of thing. Something about those words resonated deep within my soul.
I sat with that little song for a while and it got me thinking about the way I beat myself down instead of celebrating myself.
Despite hitting that milestone I was upset with myself that it took so long. I told myself I wasn’t trying hard enough. I made myself believe I didn’t deserve to be celebrated. What the fuck kind of reaction is that? Certainly not the kind I would have to anyone else.

“Take a step and you’re on your way”
She’s right. Every single step forward I take is progress and that should be celebrated. Every step I take that helps me deserves to be recognized. And if I can’t recognize and acknowledge that why should anyone else?

I hit another milestone last week. I took my own advice and gave myself permission to celebrate the win. The people at my group were so happy for me and cheered once again. These are strangers I see once a week and they were genuinely happy for me. This time I was too. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy. That voice tried taking over again, I have a long road to self-love.
But the difference this time is that when that voice tried piping up I politely told it to take a hike.