Firefly Beat

A week ago you turned 6.

For your birthday we went on a family getaway to Niagara Falls. We went on the boat to the falls, the Skywheel, go karting (little sister and I came in last, Daddy and big sister won), even mini golf in the rain! We had ice cream, pizza, cake, pancakes.

It was an incredible little trip!
On your birthday we chose joy and celebration. You deserve to be celebrated just like your sisters. They love celebrating you and planning your special day. Their love for you and desire to include you warms my heart. It makes it a little easier to choose joy on a day that feels anything but.
As much fun as we had, we missed you every step of the way.
How we wish you were here.

If you were here we wouldn’t have to choose joy. It would just be a joyous day.
If you were here the weeks before and after your birthday wouldn’t be so heavy.
How I wish you were here.

The weeks leading to your birthday are heavy emotionally and physically. I’m sensitive, vulnerable and just so tired. Most days it takes all I have to get through the day doing as little as I can.
The weeks after your birthday are heavy still. Only now the sadness starts to wane and the anger settles in.
Anger that you died.
Anger at the people who don’t show up.
Anger at the world for moving on the next day.
Anger at myself for not speaking up.

Anger.

It’s hard to remember what it’s been like the other years. Am I always this angry after your birthday? Is it getting worse? Am I over-reacting? Am I the only one who feels this?
How long will it take to process this emotion?
I’ve been avoiding processing it. Instead choosing to numb myself of feeling in the hopes I’ll wake one day and it will be gone.
How I wish you were here.

If you had one wish, what would it be?
Your big sister asked me this recently. I responded with something diplomatic and generic about ending war and hate-motivated crime.
Your sister’s response floored me.
“I wish Melissa never died and was still with us.”
Wow. Didn’t see that coming. They think about you even when I least expect it.
Today I wish for my anger to go away so I can go back to living life and these incredible moments with your sisters.

But my forever wish will always be that you were here on earth with us.
How I wish you were here.

*When I’m looking back
On the time that we shared
Hope you know you were loved
And that I always cared
I always cared…
I know in my heart
That we’ll meet again
I know deep inside
This isn’t the end

*I Wish You Were Here by Dropkick Murphys
Check it out on YouTube !