It’s not the first, but it sure feels like it.
I thought each year it would get a little easier.
Instead I am consumed with sadness, every little thing tripping me up. Those damn little things.
It started with an ad for a tree ornament – Baby’s First Christmas. The tears came before I had a chance to close the app I was in. If I could have thrown my phone out the window, I may have. It’s probably a good thing the windows don’t open on the 3rd floor.
This would be your 3rd Christmas so why did that ornament hit such a nerve?
Then came the tree. Your big sister picked out an amazing one this year.
I fought back tears as I took a photo of her proudly standing in front of her tree before Daddy cut it down.
I fought back tears as I unwrapped the decorations.
I fought even harder watching your big sister decorate the tree.
I walked away feeling guilty because the moment was too much for me.
Then came the song. Blue Christmas.
Every morning a snippet of a song plays on the PA at the office. Today was Blue Christmas. The words pierced through me and I couldn’t escape. I couldn’t turn it off. I may have covered my ears. I’m sure I’ve heard that song many times since you died, but maybe today was the first time I really heard the words.
There have been lots of little things in between and surely more to come before the end of the season.
I wasn’t prepared for this. This year was supposed to be easier.
Maybe next year…
*I’ll have a Blue Christmas without you
I’ll be so blue just thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won’t be the same dear, if you’re not here with me
*Blue Christmas, written by Billy Hayes, Jay W. Johnson